I am a community support worker. This means that I get paid to hang out with people who have developmental disabilities, and support them in achieving their goals and being safe. It’s an interesting job, in many ways. Notably, it brings me face-to-face with a lot of behavior that throws me for a loop at first, that I have to spend time thinking about in order to really “get it.” Having a job that forces me to think about the motivations behind human behavior = a good thing in my life. I’ve spent some time working with individuals who lie a lot, and it’s given me a new understanding of why we lie, and how to hear a lie in a nonviolent and productive way.
So, behavior is a form of communication, right? When we behave in a certain way, we are communicating our needs and our understanding of how to accomplish them. Lying serves a purpose, and the more someone lies, the stronger the message is that they see lying as essential to meeting their needs. If these statements are in any way controversial to you, the rest of this post will seem pretty loopy.
When we lie, we paint an idealized picture of who we are. Idealized, at least in some way. As an example, if your teenage son spends all evening reading comics and then you ask him if he remembered to take out the trash, which he didn’t, he might say “Yeah, of course.” This lie is communicating a need (finding approval in his parents; validating his role in the household; being capable and responsible) and an understanding of how that need will be met (taking out the garbage; meeting responsibilities).
That’s a weak-sauce example. Here’s a better one: Your teenage son comes home, with spraypaint flecks on his fingertips and a furtive look on his face. You ask him what he’s been up to and he says, “Oh, not much. Me & Rodney shot some hoops after school, then I did some studying before coming back home.” First of all, your teenage son is communicating a need to lie and cover his tracks, which in turn communicates a need for a safer environment before he shares (or perhaps a clearer indication of the environment’s safety). Secondly, he’s communicating the need to be perceived as a good son, a social person, a dedicated student and an athlete. Thirdly, he’s communicating his idealized picture of a good son. A good son has meaningful friendships, is active, keeps his grades up, doesn’t go spraypainting, and doesn’t disappoint his parents.
Lies give others important information about how we want to be perceived, even though we aren’t there yet. And put that way, it starts to look like every lie contains an unmet challenge, a goal waiting to be approached. That’s because they do. Lies are goals, albeit expressed defensively. Something useful, nestled in an expression of unmet needs. Read the rest of this entry »

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